Beware of Bread
An English newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard."
The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main
danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.
The following are a few facts and figures which show the true menace to society.
* More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
* Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score
below average on standardized tests.
* In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid,
yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
* More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
* Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little
as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more
bread than that in one month!
* Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only
water to drink begged for bread after only two days.
PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact
and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we
propose the following bread restrictions
* No sale of bread to minors.
* No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
* A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might
associate with bread.
* No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children)
may be used to promote bread usage.
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Last messed with: 4 April 2008